


Matters of the Heart

by CreamPuffBunny



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-06 04:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1844851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreamPuffBunny/pseuds/CreamPuffBunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to 'Love Was Never A Problem'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Matters of the Heart

*****So I finally finished part 2 of 'Love Was Never A Problem'! It's been in the works for a while now, but I'm glad to have finished it! It's a sweet little sequel. I hope you all enjoy it! Special thanks to my beta for her great work in finding a lot of my mistakes. First person is hard to write in!**

*****Warnings: Language, angst, character death, minor yaoi**

*****Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. I am making no money off of this fic.**

* * *

**Matters of the Heart**

I didn't care what anyone said.

It is now my duty to run the kingdom in my husband's absence. When I say 'absence', I don't mean literally, but rather physically. A terrible tragedy has struck our booming kingdom of Germany. It all happened the day Ludwig received a letter from one of our allies.

'We're being attacked', the letter had read. 'Send reinforcements'.

It was a heated meeting that ended with Ludwig declaring war on one of our allies' enemies. Ludwig was going to march his troops into battle for them. I pleaded to go with him, but my ever-noble husband told me to stay behind and hold the kingdom. I had to watch from our chamber balcony window as my husband, our army, and our banners left the protection of the city gates. It was just like that time so many years ago…that day when my two fathers rode off to battle. One was killed, my father, and my mother was held captive. I had to marry the man who would save my kingdom and my mother.

Now here I stand, acting King Regent Alfred of the Germany kingdom and empire. While my husband is recovering I am running the nation. You see, while in battle, Ludwig had been terribly wounded. Thrown from his horse by an enemy's blow, his head struck a rock, knocking him unconscious. A knight told me this the day our army returned, victorious, but carrying the batted body of my husband. Our men had managed to rescue Ludwig before the enemy could rip him apart. I sat on the throne, holding back my rage as the knight told me of how the enemy broke Ludwig's legs, shattering them. They didn't healed properly and Ludwig could be confined to a chair on wheels for the rest of his life. Not only that, but his memories were shattered along with his leg. Ludwig couldn't remember who he really is, who I am, his title as king, or even his family.

I remember running to the comforting arms of my mother, Arthur, when I set eyes on Ludwig's legs. My mother simply let me brood heavily in his lap while he stroked my wheat colored hair; hair that Ludwig always liked to touch. And this is was where the trouble began.

"This is your chance to take over the kingdom, Alfred."

I lifted my head towards him. "Mother? What are you saying? I am a Demi-King. Ludwig is still king."

"But you, Alfred," he spoke softly, cupping my face. "You are King Regent in Ludwig's absence. This kingdom and castle belongs to you. I am sad to say, but you're going to have to release Ludwig of his title as 'king'. He has forgotten himself, his duty, his kingdom, and most of all…he's forgotten you."

It was true. Ludwig had forgotten me. That rock had taken more than Ludwig's memories; it took our relationship as well. I remember that first night when I had Ludwig back in our bed. Blue eyes looked around blankly, not knowing where or even who he was. Being a good 'wife', I tried to comfort him. I spoke to him. I begged him. But all was in vain. Ludwig's memories and legs were shattered. The doctor said he would never remember. Well, I refused to believe that. Ludwig is very strong, the same as I! With my help, I will have Ludwig back up and ruling the kingdom.

So why did I not take Mother's advice and rule the kingdom? The answer is simple: because I love him. Yes, I am acting King Regent in Ludwig's absence. Yes, I do rule this kingdom currently, but I will still do it side by side with Ludwig, my husband. We rule together; that was our agreement after our niece was born, little Princess Rosemary, heir to the throne, and Gilbert's own daughter. The Lady Elizaveta was proud to bear a girl and I bore no ill will. Ludwig adored her, only now, he doesn't remember who she is.

It got hard for me these next few months. I needed to maintain my normally joyous and cheerful attitude for the sake of my people, even though inside I felt cold and empty. Ruling was never easy, alone or with someone else. Some of the nobles from other lands refused to speak to me because I was only a Demi King. They would actually speak to my advisors instead, which was insulting. The worst, however, was when the  _suitors_  started to come with their proposals. Of course they would come. They saw an opportunity to gain our kingdom and realm. I was still a young Demi King, only twenty-eight years, and I was still very handsome. My mother said I inherited my vanity from my father, Francis, who couldn't pass a mirror without looking at it. I knew I was attractive to the other aspiring kings, and they would like to have a rich, powerful, and fertile kingdom with a good-looking demi by their side. I was tall, well-sculpted with a light tan, big blue eyes that Ludwig used to adore, and a big, big heart! This led up to a rainy morning when a suitor came to plead for my hand. My friend and kingdom champion Ivan always stood next to me with his sword on his belt. If it hadn't been for Ivan, Gilbert, Arthur, and Elizaveta, I would have lost my mind by now. In order to claim my hand, the suitor's own champion would have to fight Ivan, and Ivan never lost. I was prepared to see another victory on this dreary rainy day.

I wore a navy blue velvet tunic with white buttons, burgundy pants, and tall black boots. Red, white, and blue were the colors of my banner and my home before I married into the German realm. I wore Ludwig's sash across my chest, which bore his colors: black, gold, and red. Behind me was the wall banner sigil of the black eagle on top of German colors. I have my own banners hanging from the ceiling with Ludwig's; it was a gift he had granted me some years ago, and it had caused some controversy. A Demi's colors and sigil were not typically allowed to hang next to the king's colors, but Ludwig loved me enough to let me hang my flag of red, white, and blue. I adored my home kingdom's colors and stared at one of the banners as a new 'suitor' entered the court.

"Your highness," whispered our head advisor. "Please be aware! Your suitor is here."

I ignored the announcement of the suitor. Some nobleman from somewhere with some kind of title. Blah, blah, blah. No matter how many times I said I would never marry again, and that I loved Ludwig, it fell on deaf ears. Today, my mother was present, along with Gilbert and another advisor. I could see my mother was impressed with the suitor; those emerald green eyes kept looking at me to tell me so. I know Arthur was only looking out for me. The lonely years without my father had taken their toll on my mother and I hated how I had to add to his misery by being stubborn. But it was my life; Ludwig was my husband and lover – he was my king and I his demi. I did not want another life mate; I wanted Ludwig.

"Your highness! Please accept this gift as a token of our proposal!" said the advisor from the suitor's country. I looked on with a yawn, crossed my legs, and lounged lazily on the throne's armrest. Some stupid overly-colorful and oversized vase was presented.

I had to force a smile. "Well, thank you for the gift, but I must decline. I am not looking for a suitor right now, but I will put your man on the list with all the others." Arthur sneered at my sarcasm. Ivan smirked proudly – he was always proud of how I stood up to these monkeys. "You are dismissed. Goodbye."

"But…but wait! Your highness!" cried the advisor. "You have not heard all -"

"I have heard enough." I say with a slightly harder tone in my voice. I stood up from the throne, letting my royal cloak fall dramatically behind me. "All of you seem to forget that my husband, the King of Germania, is still alive and well. I am acting regent in his current absence. I make all the decisions." I narrowed my eyes at the advisor. "You and all the others care nothing for me; you only want to obtain my kingdom and wealth."

"That is not true, your grace!" argued the advisor. "Our lord is -"

I roll my eyes, cutting him off. "Yes, yes, I'm sure, 'your lord thinks I'm  _so_  handsome and attractive'." I scoff. "Heard it all before." I took to my throne once again. "I'm bored of this. You may go back to your lord. Walk between the raindrops!" I smil and wave at them as the house of 'whomever' left my court.

"Alfred!" my mother sneered. "Can you not handle yourself in a more professional manner?"

Ivan smiled and answered, "I think he's done a splendid job."

"You, shut it!" Arthur glared at Ivan. "Son, you can't keep going on like this."

Here he goes again.

"We all know that you love Ludwig, and that is very honorable. But he doesn't remember you." I refuse to look at my mother, even as he moves to stand in front of me. "I don't want you to be alone for the rest of your life. Look at what it has done to me. At least look upon me as your future self, something you want to avoid."

I glance up at my mother's green eyes and heavy brows. Every word he said is sincere; I know that. He is an annoying mother, like so many, who do only what they feel is right for their child, because they love them. "Mama," I whisper, "If that is true… then why haven't you remarried? Father has been dead for over ten years."

"I have nothing to offer any suitors," Arthur answered. "I was too old to marry again when your father was killed."

"But would you have married again? If you were able?"

My mother was silent for a moment.

"My life at that time was much more complicated than yours is today." I saw hurt and further sadness in my mother's pretty green eyes. He never spoke of what exactly happened to my father, or about the time he was in prison with the enemy. I had always heard rumors, but my mother advised me to never listen to them. Ever. I know Arthur did not want to tell me the truth. He came back a changed person that day when Ludwig finally brought him to live with us. "I just don't want you to end up like me. I'm tired. I'll be in my chambers."

We all watched as my mother left the court. I turn away and look up at Gilbert. "Gilbert, what do you think? About your brother, I mean."

Gilbert sighed. "I wish he would remember me. I wish he would remember a lot of things. I do back you on never wanting to find another husband. This is Ludwig's kingdom. The Germanic blood flows through his veins, the same as me. Only a German can sit upon this throne."

I blink at him in surprise. "I am not German. I am of Western Europe. American. Or have you forgotten?"

Gilbert shakes his head. "I didn't forget. You are acting regent in Ludwig's absence. You do so much for my brother when you don't have to." Gilbert referred to the nursing care I give Ludwig. I help to dress Ludwig every morning. I bathe him, eat with him, help him into bed, everything! I do it because I love him. "I would much rather have you on the throne than a stranger."

At one time, an advisor privately offered that I should not keep Gilbert too close to me. The reasoning was that he is the elder brother of Ludwig, which gives him the right to the throne. Gilbert had German blood in him. The albino could sit on the throne with his wife beside him. I knew that, but I also knew Gilbert's heart, and he would never, ever, betray his brother like that. Having Gilbert alongside me helps when I face the foreigners. Sometimes they wouldn't speak to or listen to me, but they will if Gilbert was present. It's rude and insulting, but I have little choice.

"You are a wonderful king, Alfred," said Ivan. "Don't let these nobles and lords bring you down."

I smirk at him. "Don't worry, they won't!"

"Your highness," started the head advisor. "I urge you to quickly find a suitor! It is not because of the kingdom, my lord. You do an excellent job on the throne! But-"

I held up my hand up to silence him. "I know you mean well, sir." I looked down at him. "I know what this is really about, though. I may be young, but I'm not stupid. This kingdom will not fall and crumble if a Demi-King sits upon the throne. You know what I find funny, good sir?" I smirk. "I find it funny that my approval rating for the people, the working class, the people who make up the heart of this kingdom, is practically perfect. The  _people_  are pleased with me. You know who isn't? All these pompous jackasses with titles and lands who are too superstitious and want to stick to the old ways!"

"Sire-!"

"Quiet! All these nobles and lords think I can't do the job because I was not born in line to be a king. That is stupid! It's nonsense!" I slam my fist on the armrest. "I can do anything Ludwig can do! I've proven it already! I have maintained the strength and wealth of this kingdom! We are still the strongest and richest kingdom in the whole realm! It is only rich peoples stupid superstitious that are making it hard for me to rule!" I glare at the advisor. "Well? Am I right?"

The advisor quickly fell to one knee before me. "Forgive me, sire. But like your mother, I am only trying to do what is best for you. Yes, everything you speak is true. I know of the foolish superstitions. But I want to keep you on the throne and running it, yet I fear the other nobles will not approve. They may start to riot, and wish to see you off the throne. I don't want to see that happen."

"Bring it on, then!" I grin at Ivan, who did the same. "I'm not afraid to challenge the old ways of tradition! My way of doing things as a demi has proven to be just as good as Ludwig's rule!" I snapped my fingers at the advisor. "I listen to my people, good sir. I listen to the people of my kingdom, the ones who do not eat as well as you do. I listen to those who sleep on the floors, work in the fields, struggle with daily life… and I do my best to make it better for them. The people make up the strength of a kingdom, good sir. Not the nobles."

"Yes sire. Forgive me for speaking against your ways."

I wave him away. "It's fine. Off with you, now."

A little while later I called Ivan into my private meeting chambers before I would leave to see Ludwig. Ivan came in and took off his sword belt. "Lock the door behind you," I whisper.

Ivan smiled at me. "Already done. What did you want to speak about?"

"Please put my doubts to rest." I continue whispering. "Will the nobles try to put Gilbert on the throne?"

"Alfred, it is possible, but in the end it is up to Gilbert to make that decision. Gilbert won't do it; no matter how hard they push. I'm surprised you are doubting your brother-in-law."

I shook my head. "I know, I know! I'm so…paranoid sometimes!" I hold my head in my hands. "I miss Ludwig so much! I'm not just ruling a kingdom but I'm fighting against everyone who is against me!"

"Yet you are doing a fine job."

"I know I am." I let out a chuckle. "It just… kills me that so many people ignore all the good that I'm doing simply because I am a demi. Why? Why should my background matter?"

Ivan shrugged. "It's like you said. It's the superstitions of rich nobles."

I growl softly. "It pisses me off! And these suitors have got to stop! Ludwig is alive and well. I don't want another husband." I notice Ivan staring longingly at me. I tried to look annoyed, but I just couldn't. I know Ivan still harbors feelings for me ever since we spent all that time together. While I care for Ivan, I love Ludwig much more. I want to only be with Ludwig, not just in marriage but 'physically' as well. I missed making love with Ludwig; I won't lie, I still get urges and have to deal with them myself. It wouldn't be uncommon for someone like me to take a lover, but I couldn't do that to Ludwig, or to Ivan; and least of all to myself. I had too much pride and love for my husband to betray him. "Stop looking at me like that."

"You know my feelings for you."

"I do. And you know that I dismiss them. Ivan, you are my champion. Ludwig didn't want you to be, knowing how you felt about me but I insisted. Please, do not let a suitor's champion ever beat you."

Ivan smiled. "Never."

I smile back. "Just keep an eye on Gilbert and any of those who may support him."

"I will. What will you do now?"

"Go up and see Ludwig, of course."

I left to wander up to our marriage chambers where Ludwig spends most of his days reading and writing. I knew what he was doing before entering, smiling at his form in the wheelchair at his writing desk. It felt so much like old times, yet I knew he couldn't remember me. Ludwig turned to watch me as I entered, but he didn't smile. He never smiled, not anymore. To him, I was just a friend who visited, a 'king' who showed him 'mercy' because of his disability. No matter how many times I try to tell him he is a king, Ludwig just couldn't believe me. It would get very frustrating.

"Hi Ludwig! How are you doing today?"

"Good afternoon, Alfred. Things are going well here. And you?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Same as always. I had more suitors today."

"Suitors? Again? I wish you would just pick one already. Sometimes I get tired of hearing about so many."

I look at him sadly. "Ludwig…you know why I won't marry again."

Ludwig was silent, but then answered, "I know why, and I wish you would just… get over it. I can't remember, Alfred! I want to remember but… but the memories just aren't there!" I see Ludwig's frustration, so I try not to get mad at him. "You tell me I am a great king but I am a cripple with no memories. Nothing. I don't remember this brother Gilbert you speak of, or our niece named Rosemary. And I don't remember you, my 'wife', or my 'demi-king'. I only see you as Alfred. I can't pretend."

I feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes but I hold them in. "Um…how are your legs today? Did the doctor come and see you?"

"Yes, he did. He stretched the muscles a bit and I was able to stand."

I gasped. "You stood? Today?" I grinned. "Well then come on! Let me see!"

"No, I'd rather not without the doctor here."

"Don't be silly!" I laughed. "I can hold you up!" I stand in front of him and hold out my hands. "Let me help you, Ludwig. That's my role as your lover and your demi. I'm here to stay by your side and help you." I was thrilled when Ludwig took my hands. I watched with eager curiosity as Ludwig slowly stood on wobbly legs. He was able to stand for only a few seconds before falling back into the chair. "WOOOO!" I 'whooped' a holler of victory. "That was awesome, Ludwig! You've come so far! Soon you will be up and walking in no time!"

"That would be nice."

I can still smile at him, even if he wouldn't smile back. Ludwig is holding true to his old pride; the pride which took me a few years to break. "I know you will walk again. You have to, for your kingdom."

His icy blue eyes stared at me coldly. "I am not the king. For all I know, Alfred, you are an enemy holding me captive, telling me lies. Or maybe you aren't. I don't know what is true. I appreciate you keeping me here and helping me, I really do. I just…I wish you would stop looking at me like that."

"Looking at you how, Ludwig?"

"Like a sad puppy out in the rain. You are grown man. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on from me. I don't know who I am, so stop wasting your time. You are young and strong, find a suitor who can please you."

Such cold words coming from the man I love who has fallen out of love with me. Or rather, he has forgotten his love for me. Angry and heartbroken, I flee from the room and into the hall.

The following day it was still raining, this time accompanied by wind and distant thunder. I sent a servant to help Ludwig ready for bed yesterday, for I was too angry with him to do it. I wonder if he even asked where I was to take care of him. I kept telling myself to just be patient and that his recovery will come in time. Still, I needed the comfort of my mother, so I went to Arthur's chambers. I got word from his manservant that he was feeling ill this morning. I had already sent for a doctor but I wanted to see him first. I entered his chambers to see him propped up on the bed beneath the canopy working hard at his needlepoint embroidery.

"Good morning, mama."

Tired, cloudy green eyes looked up at me. "Hello Alfred." He looked towards the window. "Not much of a nice day, is it? So much rain." I walk over to his bedside. "Reminds me of my homeland where I grew up."

"It'll pass soon. What are you stitching this time?" I peek around and gasp at what I saw. "Mama…it's Papa!" The stitchery was flawless! It looked almost like a painted portrait of my father!

"It is. I have been carefully working on it for many years." I saw Arthur look tenderly at the image. "Even though it has been over ten years…I can still picture him as if he were right here with us, never aging." My mother shrugged his shoulders. "If he saw me now at this age, he would laugh at me."

"Papa would never laugh at you. Ever."

I saw my mother's expression sadden to the point where it was almost mournful, like he had just lost Papa all over again. "Papa always thought you beautiful. Everyone who knows you two knows that." My parents had a love that I thought I would have with Ludwig; not anymore, if things keep going the way they were.

"I miss him terribly, Alfred. When I think back to our younger years… when I was so mean and cruel to him… how much I hated him, how much I wanted to punch him in that arrogant face of his," he scoffed lightly. "I remember one day, when we were young, a little older than you when you were married, when there was a joust. I had to go to the joust because your Papa was courting me. My family forced me to go. I remember watching him ride out so proud on that white steed… in white armor… with long, flowing, wavy blonde hair and a smile that could make ice melt. Oh, how I wanted him to be knocked off of that pretty horse of his." I have never heard mother ever speak so harshly of Father before. "I remember praying to the gods to let that lance pierce his armor through the chest and kill him. I wished him dead that day… but my wish wasn't granted."

I look seriously at him. "You never told me this, Mama… I knew you didn't want to get married to him, but I didn't know how much you… actually hated him." I suddenly felt betrayed to hear my mother speak so coldly of my father as if they were enemies. I always wanted a love like they had. I know they must have loved each other at one point! I remember it!

"I used to hate him," my mother started again, staring at the embroidered portrait. "That day I wished him dead… he remained alive. That day in battle… I prayed for him to stay alive. Instead, the gods mocked me by letting an enemy blade strike him from his horse." I saw the tears welling up in my mother's eyes, but he was angry, not sad. Or maybe a mix of both. "It's time I told you the truth of that day, Alfred. You are old enough now."

I sat beside him.

"I was never much of a fighter. I was more for politics. So was your father, but he didn't want to believe it. I tried to protect him, but I was struck down from my horse. I thought I was as good as dead. And then your father came to my rescue, wearing that white armor I had once hated. He tried to protect me, but in doing so, he lost his life. The battle was over then. I was in shock to see Francis lying on the ground, blood gushing from his neck, and those eyes… wide open, but unseeing. I threw myself over his body as our enemies surrounded us. I begged, whispered for Francis to come back to me. Those blue eyes I used to look longingly into were now pale and dead."

I felt my own tears springing forth along with Mother's.

"I screamed, fought, kicked, bit, anything to get those men off of me. They dragged me from your father. Say what you will about me, my dear son, but it took six full grown men to hold your mother down from charging at those bastards taking your father away. They stripped him of his beautiful armor and flung him in a heap over one of their horses. They had killed his faithful steed, Sweet Blue, whom we both had shared some sweet times riding together. They just threw him over the saddle, like a sack of potatoes. I was forced to walk behind him, my hands bound at the wrist while an enemy bastard pulled and tugged. For days I watched your father's once beautiful body slowly rot to that of a corpse. Growing tired of it, they carelessly dumped him in a passing river. By then I was too beaten and exhausted to cry any more. I watched his body float away until it disappeared. I was held prisoner after that."

"Mummy…" I haven't called him 'mummy' in a very long time. "I never knew that about Father. Why didn't anyone tell me?"

Green eyes looked at me. "I didn't want you to know. I think others felt the same way. I wanted you to remember your father as he was the day he left. That is how I like to remember him as well." I saw my mother finally let the tears stream down his face. "That's why I want you to find another husband and lover, Alfred! That's why I'm pushing so hard for this! I don't want you to end up like I am now!"

"But Mummy… Mama…" I tried to hold back my own tears. "Ludwig said that you could get married again but you said no… the same as I."

Arthur nodded to me, wiping his eyes. "I did. I refused. I'd be damned if I were to marry another after what I had been through. Francis was the only man I ever surrendered too, and I would never, ever, do it again for any other!" My mother could be fiercer than a bear when he wanted to be. "I would bite my tongue or throw myself out the window before I submitted to another man."

"So then you understand why I don't want to get married again… and why I love Ludwig even though he doesn't remember me."

"I do understand, Alfred, but I want you to be different from me. You are not like me at all. You are all your father in every way. I swear, you were raised by him and not me. You have so much love to give, Alfred, that it is wasted on a man who may never remember you. Alfred, unlike me, you have the ability to love again! I never could, only now, as I lay here, old and alone, I wish I had been more like you." My mother gave a heavy cough that was deep in his chest. "I'm so damned stubborn."

"I sent a doctor for you." I stroke Arthur's hand. I could tell he wasn't feeling well at all and that made me nervous. "And mama… mummy… you are not alone. I'm here with you." I smile at him. "I need you here with me." When Arthur didn't answer me back, I grew more concerned and worried. "Mama?"

Tired green eyes, red with tears, looked over at me. "Let me rest for a bit, Alfred. I'm tired." He coughed again.

"Is there anything I can get for you?"

"No, I'm fine. Thank you."

I knew that look on his face. That was the 'leave me alone' look that all mothers had when they were bothered or busy. Sadly, I left the room with my shoulders slumped and my feet dragging. Not only was I losing a husband, but I may soon lose a mother too.

And I did.

A few days after that visit, my mother had given up on life and let himself pass away. The doctor said that Arthur was sick and just wasn't getting better. I didn't cry when I heard the news. I asked to be left alone in the chamber with my mother for a little while longer before I will leave his body to the undertaker. I remained distant and withdrawn until the day of the funeral. As king, I walked directly behind my mother's coffin wagon, dressed entirely in black, as the city bells tolled in the trickling rain. Arthur was not of the Germanic empire and his homeland was long gone, destroyed with the rest of my young life, so he had no real place to be buried. No royal tomb or family of gravestones. He was buried in the best plot I could get with the largest tombstone currently being made. It was the third darkest day of my life, and yet I still did not cry.

The night I returned from the funeral ceremony, Ludwig was waiting for me in bed, already dressed and situated. I silently acknowledged him, dressed myself for bed and got in beside him. He was looking at me; I feel his icy blue gaze upon me. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his forgotten memories. My mother lay dead in a wooden box buried under cold, wet dirt! His 'memories' meant very little to me right now. I was an orphan, and by the looks of it, a 'divorced' orphan. I had no mother, no father, and now no husband. I had no children of my own, either; only a large castle and even larger kingdom, which wasn't even mine, as I am often reminded.

"Stop looking at me," I say flatly, keeping my back towards him.

Ludwig was silent but then spoke. "I am sorry for your loss."

"Yeah, well so am I."

"I understand that you are angry, but there is no reason in dwelling over it. The situation is over now. We must always, always look forward."

"Yeah. Sure." I close my eyes, willing myself to quickly fall asleep to avoid slapping the man beside me. If only Ludwig could remember me… because I needed him now more than ever. The tears wanted to come, but none showed up. My eyes were drooping with sadness, though they remained dry. Dark bags hung beneath my eyes, remnants of many nights of lost sleep. I must look like hell.

"Just let me know if there is anything I can do to help you feel better. I'm not very good with emotions, I do know that about myself."

Without turning to him, I say, "I wish you would remember me, because I can use a husband right now."

Ludwig was silent. What was I expecting?

"I may not remember being a husband, and I may not act like one now, but I can be…considered a friend? Can a friend help you to…feel better?"

My eyes widened. That was different of him to say! I was almost speechless. "Sure…that would be really nice."

"What shall I do?"

"Wrap your arms around me from behind and just hold me until I fall asleep." When I felt those familiar arms around me I smiled after having been frowning for so long. I close my eyes and try to pretend that Ludwig remembers who I am, and that we are spending a night of comfort together. I finally fall asleep.

Two weeks later, I had come back from my depression. Somewhat. I thought I was getting over everything when I received some disappointing news. I was seated at my throne with Ivan beside me as the advisor and royal ambassador approached us. Both were wearing grim expressions. What little bit of happiness I had found was immediately crushed.

"Speak." I command softly.

"Your Highness," started the advisor. "We regret to inform you that our sister city has refused to work with us any further until a proper king is on the throne."

I frown darkly. "A proper king? I am a proper king. Maybe not in name, but I am."

"While that is true, sire, many of the other kingdoms and countries do not see it that way," said the ambassador. "If I may speak plainly, sire?" I nod to him. "They see a strong kingdom ripe for the plucking. With no true king and few allies, our sister city may choose to attack."

I straighten my shoulders against the throne. "And what do they say, exactly?"

The advisor spoke next. "They do not want to take orders from or work with a demi-king. They have stopped all trade in and out of their city. If something isn't done soon, we will lose a powerful ally. The ambassadors will not speak with you because you are a demi."

Angrily I stand from the throne. I don't often raise my voice, but when I do, people fall to their knees. "I am king regent while my husband is absent! I have kept this country and kingdom running without trouble or flaw! I keep food in the bellies of my people and see to it that they are always taken care of! I give the funds to fix roads, build houses, and it all gets ignored! I've done this job just as well as King Ludwig has!"

The ambassador nodded. "Yes sire, we understand! We know how well you do in ruling the kingdom. We the people, your subjects, know how well you do. We recognize it. We don't see the prejudice as other kingdoms do! But we still need their support! If we lose our allies, then we will be at war. The kingdoms, if bound together, can destroy us… just as it had been done to your home."

'My home.' Instantly my heart began to ache. All of a sudden, all the fight I had in me melted away, traveling through my body and out through my feet. Heavily, I slump to the throne, staring dully at them. "So… good sirs… what can be done? What should I do to… please these other kingdoms?" I felt like I was drunk.

"There are two things you could do, your majesty," said the advisor. "You could give up the throne to your brother-in-law, who already has a wife, a child and heir, and who is also of the Beilschmidt royal bloodline." I stare flatly at him. "Or you could… marry again."

"So it's come back to this subject, has it?" I didn't have the strength anymore. Where did it all go? Was it buried with my mother? Did it go away along with Ludwig's memories? Why was it that all of my accomplishments were being ignored simply because I was born a demi? Bloodline meant nothing. A king could be incompetent and ruin everything, but that's okay, right? Because he is of royal blood. It's stupid. It's illogical. It makes no sense! I get up again and go to the side window, looking out at my kingdom. My people. My only  _home_.

"Alfred," Ivan spoke. "What is your choice? I will honor and respect whatever you choose."

I turn to him. "I thank you, Ivan, for always being there for me. However, it would seem that blood is stronger than brain, and title is more powerful than knowledge." I turn to the other two. "So it is with a heavy heart that I… will put aside my pride and happiness for the sake of my people and kingdom. For a king that I love and a place that is the only home I have; I sacrifice my happiness." I sit back on the throne, feeling empty inside. Nothing mattered anymore. I was fighting a losing a battle. My people were of the upmost importance. I had to remember that.

"Your highness, the people will thank you for this," said the ambassador. "Shall we bring back the suitors?"

"No," I said firmly. "You have someone in mind already, don't you? Or someone has given you an offer for my hand? Just who is it?" I give a grim smile.

The two men looked at each other and then back at me. The ambassador spoke. "The king of our sister city, of course. His wife died giving birth to their sixth child some months ago. He has always spoken highly of your handsome features and eyes."

"Fine. I'll marry him."

"But, sire! You can't make such a quick decision like that!" said the advisor.

I glare at him. "I can and I will. That king is a bastard who beat his wife and children. He is a poor king in my opinion, but if it is what I must do to save my kingdom, then so be it." I walk down the dais steps towards them. "You tell that king of my proposal. Listen well. Should he try to raise a hand to me as he did his late wife, I will break every bone in his wrist and more." I smiled darkly. "If he tries to lay with me, I will fight back with all my might, and I will win. He is an older man; I am young and strong. Ludwig has taught me well." I stop before them. "If he so much as looks at me in a way that pisses me off, I will banish him from my castle. We will be married in name only. He will never share my bed, nor will I share his. My true husband still lives, and I share my bed and heart with no one but him. You may go and tell him that. If he decides to say 'no', then tell him I will consider other suitors."

"Sire…are you sure?"

"Go quickly and let him know. Let him know that I will not roll over for just anyone. If he is up for the challenge that is ME, then I say, bring it on! Dismissed!"

"Alfred -"

"Leave me, Ivan." I walk out of the throne room, back straight, eyes forward. Once I am free of all eyes, I quicken my pace. I hurried to my chambers, burst through the door, and finally let myself cry. I sit back against the door and cry into my knees, trying to disappear from this world of social injustice. I am losing everything! I have lost my father, my mother, my husband, and now I will lose my identity. Throwing myself out the window seems like a better idea.

"Alfred?" It was Ludwig. "Why are you crying?"

"Why do you care? It's not important. You don't remember who I am, nor do you care to!" I lift my eyes to look at him wheeling over to me. "They want me to marry again. If I don't, then no one will continue to take my country, our country, seriously. Our people will suffer, and I can't let that happen. So I have agreed to marry again… to a bastard of a man… who will try to make me submit to him. I'll slit his throat and cut out his tongue before he tries to make me submit. I submit to no one!"

"Marry again? But you say that… I am your husband."

"Yes, but you don't REMEMBER! No one will take you seriously either! It's either I marry or your brother gets the throne."

Ludwig wheeled next to me. "Then do that! Don't get married and lose who you are. Let my… brother… rule the kingdom instead. That way, you can be free."

I smile sadly up at him. "I can never be free… because I'm married to you, and I love you. But you don't remember, and you still don't feel the same way." I stand up, wiping my eyes. "I'm losing everything. Everything. My parents are gone, so I'm an orphan. My husband doesn't remember me, so I am lonely and might as well be divorced. The home where I grew up is completely gone and destroyed. I live in a kingdom where the people love me but must suffer with social injustice. Everything I do… everything I try… is dismissed, simply because I am your wife." I turn back to him. "But when we ruled together, you always respected my opinion and let me rule beside you. We were a team, Ludwig. You and me. King and Demi-King. We are married. We've shared a bed, and love."

Ludwig took a deep breath. "Then, as king, I hereby hand over the kingdom's well-being to my brother with my demi as acting regent and advisor to him!" I look at Ludwig with shock. "You will not have to marry someone you don't know and hate because of me. If we really are married, then I cannot allow you to marry another. Just because I don't fully remember doesn't mean I can't still make the decisions."

I was impressed with Ludwig that night. I took his orders to my advisor council, who were more than happy to write the words down and set them into action. Gilbert agreed to be acting head king while his brother was unable to do so. It wouldn't have been MY decision, but since my word counts for nothing it was easier to let Gilbert take the reins. And my brother-in-law was kind enough to let me rule beside him, the same as I had with Ludwig. Everything was going well, until we got a letter from our sister city about their king marrying me. Another letter was sent to tell him I was off the market, but another came back threatening to cancel trade and goods to our kingdom if I didn't marry him. So now this king was ignoring my brother-in-law to get to me anyway. But I have a plan. I have a secret weapon.

"Ivan?" I enter my champion's room. "Are you here?"

"Alfred." He bowed from his desk. "To what do I owe this honor?"

I walk over to him. "The letter from our sister city. Their king insists that I marry him; I will do no such thing. Not anymore."

Ivan stood up to face me. "Then what is your plan?" He smiled at me. "What do you have in mind?"

"It's not what you think." I tell him swiftly. "I need you, my champion, to fight for me."

"So you want me to challenge HIS champion then?" Ivan looked amused. "That's easy. When I beat HIS champion, you will be free of that king. Then we can move on."

"I doubt it will be that easy. I have no worries about you losing – I worry about that bastard of a king. I should just marry him, wait until our wedding night, and then when he is naked and defenseless, slit his throat."

Ivan grinned at me. "I love that idea! However, that is not how the Alfred I know operates."

I pout. "You're too smart for your own good." I frown when he gives me that look again. "Ivan, stop."

"One kiss for your champion?"

"No! I'm married to Ludwig!"

"He's not here, nor is he satisfying you." Ivan took me into his arms. "I know you love him, but is it too much to ask for you to love me for just one night? To love me in my bed, with arms and furs wrapped tight? Will you let me love you?"

I'll admit, it was tempting, but I've always prided myself in being true and loyal in nature. I push myself from Ivan's warm embrace. "I can't, Ivan. I still love Ludwig, even if he doesn't remember me."

Ivan sighed, running a hand through his hair. I know I am hurting him, but what could I do? To betray Ludwig in that way is not part of my morals. "I do love you, Alfred," Ivan said to me, and I knew he spoke the truth.

"I know." I look away. "If you don't wish to fight for me then I understand. I'll find someone else."

"No, I will still stand for you. I am your champion, and I sure as hell will not let you marry another."

I give him a smile. "Thank you, Ivan."

I spent the following day outside in the garden by the rose bushes that reminded me of my parents. My father and mother loved roses, and I did too. I plucked a pink rose from its stem and smelled it. Mother always smelled of roses. It's funny, really. I am surrounded by people all day yet I am still lonely. Gilbert and Elizaveta are doing a fine job as king and queen; I'm happy for them. I started to think that being a demi-king wasn't worth all the trouble. Maybe I should change my title to Lord Alfred instead. Believe me, it was very tempting. I lean back against the trunk of a tree and look up at the sunlight sparkling through the branches of leaves. I briefly wondered how many kings, demis, and queens have sat beneath this old tree with troubles. I wonder what kinds of stories this tree could tell of them. Now I know I am lonely.

"Hello Alfred." I was surprised to hear Ludwig's voice! I turn to see him and my eyes widened at the sight of him standing!

"Ludwig! You're walking!" He was using a cane, but this was almost a medical miracle! I stand to face him, grinning like a maniac. "You're standing! Wow!"

"I still do not remember my life as king or your husband, but as I walked the halls and grounds they all seem very familiar to me. What are you doing out here all by yourself?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Just thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Stuff." I sit back down and urge him to sit with me. "The roses, really."

"Why roses?"

"They remind me of my parents," I said with a smile. "Both of them loved roses. My late mother always smelled of roses too. It gives me some comfort by sitting here." I look over at Ludwig. "Still nothing, huh?" Ludwig shook his head. "Oh well. You walking is a huge achievement. I'll take it." I grin at him.

"Actually, I came to talk with you for a bit. I heard of Ivan leaving today, soon, to fight that king's champion."

"Yes. Ivan leaves at sunset to get there by early morning."

Ludwig looked away from me. "He is your champion, then? Will you give him a favor before he leaves?"

"It's bad luck not to." I say with a small smile. "It's a simple ribbon, really. It's actually my mother's." Ludwig still wasn't looking at me. "Ludwig? What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure," he said, still not turning to look at me. "I have these… these memories… all of them are right here." He tapped the center of his forehead. "I just can't seem to access them. They are literally right here, and I cannot make sense of them. They all have to do with you. The only thing I can feel, but don't understand, is jealousy."

I raise my brows. "Jealousy? Of what?"

"Of Ivan, I believe."

That puts a crooked smile on my face. "Why Ivan?"

"Well… I see him walking so proud and strong. He is handsome in his own way. He doesn't like to leave your side… and he will fight for you. I feel as if I should be fighting for you and not him. I am your husband… I believe that. I just can't remember all the details or understand why I feel this way towards Ivan."

"Ludwig… that's a huge leap from where you were yesterday," I said. I lay my cheek on his shoulder. "Yes, Ivan is in love with me. He always has been. Often he asks for me to be with him, to share his bed, to share his love, but I would never betray you like that. I'm very loyal and strong."

Ludwig didn't say anything for a short moment. "Do you… desire him sometimes? Since we don't have material relations anymore?"

What point was there in lying? I thought I might as well be honest. "Yeah, I do desire him. It's more because I'm lonely. I do love Ivan, but it's not in a romantic way."

"I don't want you thinking of him like that. I get… angry when you do."

Was he starting to remember? "Ludwig, I just told you I would never actually do anything with Ivan!"

Ludwig finally turned to look at me. "He knows everything about you while I have forgotten. He can fight and walk. He can satisfy you as well, but I believe I can do better." I raise a brow at him. He looked angry, and I almost wanted to slap his face. "I am your husband, yes?" I nod. "I am the king, right?" I nod again. "Then let us go up to our chambers now."

I didn't understand what Ludwig was asking or what he was even thinking. To me, it seemed like his memories were all jumbled up, which was confusing him. If there was one thing Ludwig never liked, it was disorganization. So I help him up to our chambers. He locks the door behind us. The next thing I know, he is pulling my clothes from me. I let him do it. On any other day, I would scold him for treating me like this, but when I've gone so long without his touch like this, I was willing to give up my pride to feel this desire. He was exercising his authority as king. Normally I would fight him on this because Ludwig has always respected me as his equal. But I needed the real Ludwig back. I don't know what can be done to make him regain all of his memories, but if letting him take full control could help that, then I will submit. And I did.

I can't believe how much I have missed making love with Ludwig. I never wanted it to end. He was rough with me, but I didn't care. It was enough just to be connected with him like this once again. I didn't care who hears me outside the chamber doors as I made known my pleasure and desire. It did hurt since we haven't done it in so long, but Ludwig was by no means being gentle, either. I think the idea of Ivan wanting me awoke something in him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him to stop. I came twice after so long of being denied, and when he followed after, filling me up, I wanted to cry. But I didn't. He pulled out and flopped beside me, leaving my body trembling in afterglow, still open and presented to the ceiling. Gods above, did I need  _that._  Sex was a good stress reliever, as I've been told.

"I'm sorry," Ludwig suddenly spoke from beside me. "I hurt you by going so fast."

I knew I was bleeding a bit from 'there' with my inner muscles screaming at me for allowing such roughness after so long. I would be hurting for a while. "It's alright; I'm fine really. It's just been so long that my body isn't used to it. You did nothing wrong." I saw him use the sheet to wipe his flaccid member of my blood, which wasn't much at all. The sheets would need to be changed. "How do you feel?"

Ludwig cleared his throat. "Much better. The memories are still hazy… but I know that I want to do that with you again. And very soon."

I was flattered by that. "Give me a day or two to rest my backside and we will do it again. I promise."

"Alright. Take all the time you need."

I smiled at that. Ludwig was slowly coming back!

A few days had passed and Ivan returned victorious. I was pleased with his victory and let it be known to the entire court. Gilbert awarded him as well with extra gold coins added to his salary. The king of our sister city was no longer a threat to me. But later that day, as I was heading up to my chambers, I could hear Ludwig and Ivan speaking. Stopping in place, I stand silently to listen.

"You cannot care for Alfred in the manner he deserves," Ivan said.

"I am healing," replied Ludwig. "Soon my body will be back to normal."

"But not your memories. Those lost memories are what is hurting Alfred the most. You don't remember him or anything you both went through. He is lonely and in need of companionship."

"Just because I don't remember our marriage doesn't mean I can't honor or care for Alfred! I wish I could remember!" Ludwig started to yell.

"Then perhaps you should take action rather than complaining about it."

"And what would you suggest I do? Hand Alfred over to you? Forget it."

"No. I have something different in mind. Why don't you and Alfred start over? If you can't remember the past, then start making something of the future. Ask Alfred to marry you again. Marry as two men simply in love with each other and not as royals. It's better to start anew then to wallow forever in forgotten memories."

"Ask him to marry me again? Would he… even want to do that?" I frown. Of course I would! "I'm not the same as I was."

"If Alfred wanted to leave you he would have done it a long time ago. He still loves you, but do you love him?" I couldn't wait to hear Ludwig's answer. I even had a lump in my throat!

"Yes, I believe I do. After being with him again that night I started to realize that I had feelings for him. Starting anew seems like a fine idea. I think I will do as you suggested and ask Alfred to marry me again."

That's my cue! I finally reveal myself to them, wearing a smile. "Why not just ask me now?" I grin.

Ivan bows his head to me. "Alfred."

"Ivan," I smile at him. "You're a very good man, and I wouldn't trade you for all the knights in the land."

Ludwig looked a little uneasy as he hobbled over to face me. "Then you heard what we were speaking of?" I nod. "May I ask you?"

I let out a little laugh. "I'm waiting!" Ludwig struggled to get down on one knee so I reached out to keep him standing instead. "Go ahead and ask."

He cleared his throat. "Alfred," I couldn't wait to hear these words! This is not a betrothal anymore! This is not a forced marriage! This is REAL! "Will you-"

"YES!" I couldn't even let him finish before I jumped into his arms. I would have knocked him over if Ivan hadn't caught us. "YES I WILL! I WILL MARRY YOU, LUDWIG BELISCHMIDT!" I gave him a deep, loud kiss on the lips. "I'm going to marry the  _man_ Ludwig Belischmidt and not the  _king_ Belischmidt!"

And I did! We were set to marry as soon as possible! Gilbert and Elizaveta set a small ceremony up for us with just the immediate court members. I chose to wear my mother's wedding outfit this time with a few 'tiny' alterations. Mother's wedding outfit was soft cream in color with embroidered roses on the doublet vest. This time I wore no crown; not a tiara or a ring of flowers. I didn't want to. Ludwig was dressed in traditional attire befitting of a high lord and not a king. The dark blue velvet tunic along with the colors of his empire made him look stunning, proud, and strong. Just like I remember him. But this wedding day was different. I had wanted this. I came to take Ludwig's hand on my own accord. Marrying Ludwig today was my choice and no one else's. I stand proudly beside him, our hands bound together as Gilbert marries us. We share a kiss. There are wedding bells and a great feast in our honor.

Ivan came up to me and asked for a dance. I look at Ludwig. He gives me a nod, so I take Ivan's hand and let him lead me on the floor. I had Ivan to thank for this day. We spoke not a word to one another as we danced, and when it ended, we shared a low bow to the other.

"Thank you, Ivan, for all that you have done," I say softly to him. "You are my most loyal and trusted friend here at court."

"I wish I could be more."

I look at him sadly. "I'm sorry for that, Ivan. But know this, I want you by my side forever to continue being my trusted friend, champion, and loyal knight."

Ivan smiled at me. "I am grateful for being something to you, even if I can't be your lover." He bows to me again and in front of everyone, I lean over and kiss his forehead.

Ludwig gives me a strange look when I return to my place next to him. I simply bat my lashes at him in innocence. "He is still my champion, and yours as well. He wears our colors."

"That is all he is to you, right?"

I nod and take Ludwig's hand in my own. "Yes. He is a friend. A trusted friend. He is your friend as well. But this is not the time to talk about Ivan. This night is for us!"

"Yes, it is." Ludwig squeezed my hand and smiled at me. "I like this second marriage thing. I'm getting to know you all over again. And if my old memories never come back then at least I know I am gaining new ones." He looked bashful then. "I would ask you to dance…but I still can't stand for too long."

"That's alright. We have a lifetime of dances ahead of us; and we have a lifetime together."

So that's my story. Ludwig never did regain his memories of our past, but he remembered all the ones we had made together after our second marriage. We had a very long run, Ludwig and I. Never again were we king and demi-king, which was fine by me. We were both happy with our lives just as they were. And now many years later I have these memories written in a book where I can reread them over and over again while Ludwig is not by my side. Like all men, our time comes when we have to leave this world, and Ludwig went before me. It was sad, yes, and I do mourn him every day but I am thankful to have my journal of our times together to give me comfort. Sometimes they are so real when I read them that I can believe he is still here with me. I can even feel his presence beside me.

I stopped writing in my journal the day Ludwig passed away. It was only me, Ivan, and Gilbert in the room. They both comforted me, but it was Ivan I turned to. I asked him to do me a favor. I asked him to bury me with my journal when my time comes. His response was 'yes', but he spoke of his biggest problem with that favor; if he should go before me. Gilbert promised to do it for him. And that is the way it happened. Ivan went before me as well, only a few years after Ludwig had passed. At first I lost my father, and then I lost my mother, and then my husband, and then an old friend. It was a lonely life after that, but I still lived on. I wouldn't give up. I would hold out for as long as I can. I wouldn't trade my lifetime of love, pain, and friendship for anything in the world. It made me into the man I am today.

And I was happy.

**The End**

 


End file.
